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Peace & panic.

It’s funny in a serious way how my heart can settle down into making a calm decision only to have my mind honk alarm bells and yell fire, fire! Which one is here to serve or save me? Do they both serve a purpose or is it all-out war between them? To sit, to stand, to run, to walk?

Yesterday morning we as a team sat on the edge of the Bambu property and prayed and talked out feelings and personal concerns. We sat in a time of worship and collectively sought the Lord's heart in this affair. We all felt the choice to not move forward had been taken off the table. That God was indeed opening doors, exposing his love for the wounded tender hearts of a wonderfully sensitive tribe of people, and choosing to not go through that door was the faithless choice. Faith, a hope in things not yet seen, wow I guess it IS a battle of the mind and heart.

I went through the rest of the day walking confidently in the knowledge that God’s calling would be supplied as I stepped forward in faith. Then I spent the whole night under the table trying to gather all the crumbs that had fallen off. My mind started playing all the scenarios where this was a horrible mistake, and I was doomed to failure, and not good enough, and blah blah blah. The accuser was busy as bats, gobbling up and feeding on my fears and doubts. I woke with a ringing in my head like a fire alarm screaming “save yourself”! Your life is in ruins.

It was familiar in a way as to recognize an enemy tactic of “ mind and reason”. Shrink back from the risk, harbor in caution and do nothing, yes that’s a safer bet, doing nothing. Then the mind spends inordinate amounts of time organizing in bullet point format all the reasons for the absurdity of living in faith. It’s then I realized that trusting in God means just that. Trust.

My heart yearns and leans on His promises of hope, that He does sustain and supply. That the sky is not falling, it’s only raining, and the sun will soon shine once again. Recognizing that my God does not accuse me, that’s the enemy's voice. That risk brings reward, that bravery leads to victory, not the flat-footed appeals for making decisions from doubt. The Bible says that he who wants to save his life will lose it, but he who loses his life for My sake will find it.

I sense the human will which God gifted me with ( and all mankind) kind of plays the part of coach between the mind and heart. Some of both are meant to inform decisions, but the final action is up to my will. Being a Christian is so “ not of this world” as I’ve held God’s gift of reason and will and said, “thank you for my will God, now I choose to give it back to you, not my will but yours be done”. From that place of surrendering to the authority of him who is the author of everything, my heart is inclined to rest in his shadow, and I use the mind as a tool, just as my hands and feet, to get on with the task he has set before me. Peace is once again in harmony with the bits and pieces of me and I experience the integrity of being a vessel in the service of the high king of heaven.

Tomorrow I hit repeat. I pray this gets easier the next day and the next. God be my guide and provider. I lean on the unchanging faithfulness of who you are. I pray to find me faithful.


Author: James Beach, Co-founder


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