So the other day I turned 53, which has brought me to reflect over my life, as birthdays often do. I ponder where I’ve been, the different lives I’ve lived and most of all the place I find myself at now. So many impossibilities.
Before I take a step further I must acknowledge my truth, that without faith my life is shallower, a life void of risk is empty and tasteless. Playing it safe and striving for the predictable is what ruled my efforts before taking that plunge of faith and moving down here to The Nest.
Stepping into the void and trusting God fully was one of the scariest and best decisions I’ve ever made. And it keeps unfolding with each passing day. Life is a series of decisions, and those based on fear or wanting to look good, or whatever other misguided motivations to try and maintain some sort of control over my life have never led me to fulfillment. Of course, hindsight is a 20/20 view, things happen for a reason, but putting on the right lens allows things to come into clarity. That lens for me is God. The frame around it at this phase of my existence is The Nest.
At the core of my nature I am a selfish person, always looking out for #1. But despite myself, God reaches even deeper than I can fathom and He calls me to put aside and die to myself and put Him over me. When I’m able to do that as a daily practice amazing things happen. The Nest for me has become a vehicle of service to others, to work from a place of humility rather than trying to be “ good enough “. I’ve never worked so hard both physically and spiritually in my life. Every day I bring myself to the point of exhaustion, multiple times a day! Ice packs are my new best friends. Spiritually I’m being stretched as I teach a recovery class each Wednesday at a rehab center, and I’ve finally started a formal Spanish language program. I love it but it’s work!
As I entrust myself with God's paradigm of servanthood I feel peace not pressure. I sense a purpose greater than my own gain, and I get to leave the outcome up to my creator. I am not God even though I’ve played god in my life. I am a long way off from perfect and that’s ok, I feel the roots of redemption forming around my heart and the sands of serenity building up a beachhead of protection against the worries of this life.
So that’s where I’m at as I reflect on my birthday, thankful for the paths and people in my life, and most of all that my faith is not in myself or the blessings I have, but in my Creator, the author, and finisher, whose plans are perfect and for my good. I can be at peace with that.
One more thing about me then I’ll be quiet, the BriBri have a hard time saying my name, so I’ve switched back to being called Jimmy, a name I haven’t used since I was a little boy, which is yet another awakening of new beginnings for my inner child.
With love and gratitude
Psalm 119: 26-39
26 I have admitted my ways are wrong, and You responded; now help me learn what You require. 27 Compel me to grasp the way of Your statutes so I will fix my mind on Your wonderful works. 28 My soul weeps, and trouble weighs me down; give me strength so I can stand according to Your word. 29 Eliminate faithlessness You find in my step, be gracious, and give me Your guidance. 30 I have decided to take the path of faith;